A few of my favorites:
(860): How drunk are you??
(732): I’m flawless.
(206): Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
(603): Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn’t use any vowels
(1-603) Haha, I didn’t want to buy any… we’re in a recession you know
(913): i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
(816): i think im in thre room next to you
(818): Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says “even hamsters”. Lowest point in my life.
(612): Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
(1-612): strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
(612): could be more
(1-612): absolutely not
(546): Just did shrooms. Don’t feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing’s happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
(734): hey call me
(810): can’t. in the shower.
(734): … and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
(859): I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
(973): Tracy!! I don’t have an ottoman in my room.
(859): Ohhh….do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
(323): I’m being pulled over???
(520): For what!?!?!
(323): ??? I’m in a cab!!!!!
(870): do you think it i’m gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
(1-870): well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
(870): what chic?
(303): How was Boulder?
(720): We’re still here. We can’t find _____.
(303): How’d you lose him?
(720): He ate a bag of Molly, wondered off, and keeps calling saying he’s at the zoo feeding the tigers
(720): The zoo is 60 miles away and we called just to be sure – they don’t let people feed the tigers
(901): I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
(813): sounds like you understand them just fine